Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
