Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
