I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
