Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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