Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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