I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
