I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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