and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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