2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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