Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
