i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
