Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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