Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Randomize
