so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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