I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize