I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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