I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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