he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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