genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Farmville is her only friend.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
