No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
