I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
