So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
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