i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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