Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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