Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
