and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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