I'm jealous of your bromance
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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