Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
