I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
