Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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