I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize