What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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