Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
