I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
