We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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