Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
