Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
