he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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