ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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