i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
