What a fucking waste of an outfit
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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