I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize