life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
