if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
