My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
