My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I did not marry a roomba.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
