i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
