Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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