my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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