and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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