i think i have two assholes
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
