He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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