I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
