and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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