haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
