So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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