Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
