someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
